i'm learning to be an alchemist again

or LOOK GOOD trying...

the world’s on fire. and whatever we’re moving through personally always seems to be the loudest. in my world, it’s HELLA loud—because this is the first time i’ve been required to sit still. no more super commuting from dc to new york on the amtrak to be on set. no more running the streets of harlem or central park when i needed some fresh air.

just me in my childhood bedroom (or the library’s quiet study room) with my laptop, my thoughts, and netflix, because it appears as its own channel thanks to verizon fios. and rewatching scandal has been my favorite place to hide. welcome new gladiators.

after recently spiraling out (in my own way) for the second time in less than three months, a voice whispered to me that i needed to transmute this energy—these BIG FEELINGS as i like to say. be it grief, hurt, confusion, frustration, or disappointment about not having the answers or not knowing what’s next.

i’m still relearning my alchemical abilities from a time before, and what’s been most helpful currently is being back in swimming lessons after a six month hiatus. it gives me something to look forward to, to work on, to improve upon. it gives my mind something to do as well because this is the one place i have to be absolutely PRESENT. and i’ve been so grateful for it. it’s been truly saving my life.

the energy from swimming gives me a boost to jump into other tasks i want to accomplish for the day. am i always nailing it? not really but i commend my progress.

as far as transmuting my BIG FEELINGS—well i sometimes do petty pep talks out loud, depending on the feeling i’m moving through, to propel me towards the task i don’t want to do. that could include talking shit about someone i’m mad at it or don’t rock with anymore and it usually helps take my mind off the story i’ve been telling myself often rooted in deep emotional suffering unnecessarily (or necessarily). all dependent on the lens i choose to wear but for this post, i’ll say unnecessarily.

walking has also been another way of disconnecting from these intrusive thoughts i keep identifying with. something can be real but not true (which i learned listening to tara brach’s meditation podcast). so during my walks, i let my mind run amok since it’s only a matter of time before i’m quickly distracted by the birds chirping or dodging the insects with no sense of direction when they’re flying. or big ass dogs with short ass fences so short that one dog stood their ass up and barked at me. i assumed it was bored and wanted company. respect.

i’m not fully out of the clear—and am open to suggestions on ways you’re transmuting energy in your life as well.

because i figured if i don’t always win at alchemy, at least i look and feel good trying. and that’s worth celebrating. amen.